Painting The Roses Red
by pokeitlikejello
Summary: Angst. An Addison internal dialogue oneshot containing her feelings pertaining to why she cheated on Derek with Mark.


**I was feeling particularly angsty and had this title picked out for a while, so I finally just wrote this. It's all Addison internal dialogue in a style I decided to go with just because. It's a one shot, so there won't be any more chapters. Maybe I'll doing something like this with some other characters sometime in the future. I don't own any characters, thanks for reading, and please review! I appreciate them greatly. Thanks!  
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**Winter.**

I told you to leave your schedule open, did I not? **Did. I. Not?** I did. You are looking at me in that way that you look at me and I get so angry, my hands are balled up into tight fists and I don't even realize that my nails are digging into my skin. **My** skin. Not yours. I want to tear your skin off. I want to use my nails as weapons. Why do you think I grew them? Tomorrow I'll wonder where those tiny marks on my palms came from.

I seriously fucking told you. You can deny it all you want. But, I fucking did. You would have remembered had you entered the date in the palm pilot I gave you for Christmas. I bet you didn't forget to meet with that man who gave you a huge donation. Or the woman with the would-have-been-dead husband. (If it wasn't for you, that is).

Don't call me selfish. I am **not** selfish. I didn't realize that it was selfish to want **one** night out of a fucking month with your husband.

Why do you do this? You're laughing it off. This isn't funny, Derek. Stop laughing **at me**. Please. _Please_. I'm not sad. I'm not crying. Those aren't tears. Forget it. Ignore it.

You're laughing causes me to **cry**. Doesn't that strike you as odd? Do you have any idea who your wife is? Are you still seeing me? God damn it, you live like everything is fine! Maybe I'm crazy. I must be. This must all be in my head. **I'm not pulling my hair out, Derek.** I'm fine.

Yes, yes, fine. I'll talk to you later. Have fun with Mark. I know you haven't hung out in- Yes, go. No, it's fine. Derek... why would I tell you to go if I didn't want you to go? Yes, it's a serious question. This is a serious conversation, right? I **insist** you go.

_I don't want you to go._

Mark is Mark, you need to see him. I get it. It's a guy thing. I'm not crying. Go.

_If you leave me, Derek, if you choose him..._

No, it's your decision. I'm not making it for you. I won't be that person. I'm **not** that person. I know you wish you could be in two places at the same time. Of course. No, I'll probably be asleep. That is late. No, it is late, Derek. Some of us have early surgeries tomorrow. Yeah. Sure. Uh-huh.

_I'm sorry that was so damn difficult for you._

Tell Mark I said hello. No, it's a guy thing. I'll stay here. Please pencil me in for a date next month. Whatever is good for you, since I seem to pick the wrong days. No, I told you it was fine, Derek. Go. Yeah, love you, too.

_Fuck off._

**Spring.**

You're sitting too close to me. Way too close. Okay, maybe not too close. I'd actually want you closer. It wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't find you so utterly attractive with the confusion on your face and your jaw set in that manner. You want to know who the killer is. This movie is so stupid.

Your hand just brushed my knee. Do you know that I want to lean over and kiss you? Like, really kiss you so you feel it so deep inside you that it burns. I want to. Now. But, you aren't looking at me. You need to see the killer.

This is **not** about Derek. It isn't. Since when did Derek care anyway? Mark's his best friend. He makes time for Mark. He **notices** Mark. But, this isn't about Derek. I want this. I want Mark.

**No.**

I don't want Mark. That is ridiculous. It's Mark and he sleeps around and he never has a steady girlfriend and he uses people and he's arrogant and he smells so good right now and he makes a fuss over nothing and he talks to me like Derek doesn't and he thinks he's God's gift to women and if he would just hold me and let me take in everything he is... no... no.

**This is NOT about Derek.** Contrary to popular belief, Derek is done. For now. Because if he wants to stay out and spend more time at the practice than at home, then fine. Sure. Our schedules had a hell of a time getting us together before, but now that he's putting in extra hours? I'll be lucky if I spend a few hours with him a day. **If that.**

Maybe if I just sort of... shift... Oh! A scary part. I'm uncomfortable... and I'm... shifting... and moving closer just enough. And our knees are touching. This is... nice. My stomach is fluttering and tingling. Mark still hasn't seemed to notice. Is he fucking **oblivious**?

Shit.

What am I doing? And... shifting. Away. Good distance between us. Still kind of close, but not as close as before. I can't do this. I cannot do this. I am **not** that person. Right? Even though my marriage seems to be crumbling around me and I get laughed at when I try to have serious conversation about it... But, don't worry, I **won't** be trying to talk to **him** again about it anytime soon. I don't think he cares.

This is not about Derek, remember? This is about me not being lonely. This is about me dealing with **my** feelings without bringing up Derek because sometimes a woman just needs to focus on herself when all else fails. Right? Sometimes... we need to cope... sometimes... sometimes all we need is the feeling that we're doing **something** right... right?

I wish this wasn't about Derek. Derek is so... he's such a... I miss him.

**Summer.**

You are on me. God, it feels so good. And I know this isn't right. This is **so** not right. Really. It's not right. Shit. Get off me. No, really, get off me... no... No, sorry. I didn't mean that. No, I want you, yes... your mouth on me.

He's going to come home. I know he is.

I think I'm going to throw up. Don't... don't think about it. Be here. In the moment. With Mark.

This is about Derek. He's going to come home. I want him to. I know he will soon. I am doing this now. I set my mind to do this. I think I might cry. Isn't sex with someone as experienced as Mark suppose to be fun? I'm not suppose to cry... No, I'm fine. Just... keep going.

Derek **needs** to know. And tonight... he will. I am **not** that person. I don't put everyone's lives in my hands and make things happen for my own personal wants. Mark has no idea what's going to happen. That is if Derek comes home on time.

Yes, yes, I love you. Yes. No, no, please don't stop.

_I love you in that way that a person can only love you, Mark._

Yes, of course I want you. Don't make me keep saying it. Mark, please don't think. I'm not thinking, you're not thinking. God, this feels **so** good. How are you **this** good?

_I actually feel numb._

No. No more talking. Let's just... we've been drinking... let's just... this is good.

_Is it suppose to hurt this much?_

This does feel good on some level. In that way that it's pushing everything else away from my brain as Mark hits each pleasurable spot. This is wrong. This is very, very wrong. Derek will forgive me, though, right? I mean, with persuasion. If he only **knew**. I love Mark in a way... and he is **always** there for me. Derek will understand, right? This will not kill our marriage... right?

It can't kill our marriage. Our marriage has already gone under. This is the only way I can show him what we've come to. He doesn't know, doesn't listen. I found comfort where I could and now... I should stop this. This'll hurt him too much. Shit. Shit. I need to tell Mark to stop. I can't go through with this. I can't do this to Derek. What was I thinking?

**I am not that person.**

Derek. Shit. Shit, no, fuck, damn it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I knew what I was doing when I brought Mark upstairs. I am so fucking sorry. Shit. I have to catch him. I have to explain. Why isn't he **angry**? Does he not care? Oh, damn it... How did we get here?

**Fall.**

I will stand here. And wait. Because so much has happened now since you walked out that door. I will **never** tell you I intended for you to catch us in bed. You will **never** know that I just wanted your attention and used Mark to get it. Somehow in that mess, I thought I actually fell for Mark. I... didn't. Not in the way I fell for you.

That makes it my fault.

I was never good at trying to get your attention. Apparently, using the extremes is not the best choice. Are you laughing? It's not the same, I know. I tried to make you laugh. A little joke. Damn it, it's not the same laugh. I would kill to go back in time to when you laughed at me while I tried to have a serious conversation with you. I would kill to do this again. To do this right.

I am **so** sorry.

And we won't recover. Because we don't recover. Not from something like this. If you had not laughed... if you had paid attention once... if I had not thought it was best to go to Mark... if Mark hadn't been Mark... I am so sorry.

We're not making this work. We're moving on - separately. Because you already moved on from the marriage. I don't approve your intern picking, but you moved on. Quickly. Maybe you were just as far from the marriage as I was in those months before you left. Then, that doesn't make it only my fault.

Where did we go wrong? Was it always going to be like this? Could it have been different?

You're looking at me in that way. Please, stop smiling. No, I'm not crying. At least, I'm not crying on purpose. Your laughing is making me cry again... but I'm laughing. A bit. It's not funny, but I'm laughing too.

**Derek.**

I love you.

Your intern is waiting.

I wish you were mine again. I wish I never slept with Mark.

Do you love me? Under everything? Will you still always love me? A little? Under all the anger and jealousy? Because I can deny come hell or high water, but there'll always be something.

Because you are Derek... and I... Addison.

I'm just really, very sorry. I guess I was wrong. I guess... I **am** that person.

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**Fin. **


End file.
